I'm having an odd range of emotions today. This would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. A huge milestone in a marriage. I am feeling both sad that it isn't that day of celebration, as my divorce was final in Sept. last year, and relieved, all at the same time. I'm learning to live "in the middle" of such extreme emotions, accepting that both are true. Grief and relief mixed together. I think I'm feeling much like one would feel walking through something like cancer with a loved one, over a long period of time, and then losing them. So deeply sad to have lost and so relieved at the same time. The suffering is over. Well, actually, the suffering is only over on a certain level. The affects never go away... the trail of pain remains. It's what is done with it that makes all the difference. I continue to pour my heart out to the One who knows everything about me, who loves me unconditionally, and never leaves me. God knows my complex emotions and thoughts and carries me through.
Just this past week, I asked myself a couple of hard questions.
1. What am I afraid of that keeps me from the feet of Jesus?
2. What do I want more than Jesus... what really keeps me from him?
Well, my list was a mile long for the first question. For the second, I only wrote down two words before I was completely stopped in my tracks. Security and control. Plain and simple. In a life of feeling very afraid and insecure and everything seems like complete chaos, those are two things that I find myself striving for. But Jesus gently reminded me of this IMMEDIATELY upon writing those two words down: My security comes in believing that HE is in control. Ahhhh.... I can firmly stand on this truth and trust that no matter how crazy everything in my life looks, feels, and is, NOTHING got by my God. He is not taken by surprise. What an incredible comfort. I'm choosing to believe in His love, protection, and provision for me as I continue to walk through deep waters. And as I look for His presence in my present moments of every day, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and joy. Yes, that peace that passes all understanding is MINE!!! I don't have to know what is coming next (although I honestly would really like to! ha!) but I trust He knows and He will walk with me through it, whatever it is, no matter how bad, not matter how crazy and scary. Thank you, Jesus!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord." Jeremiah 29: 11-14
I'm believing in my future and I'm seeking....