I'm having an odd range of emotions today. This would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. A huge milestone in a marriage. I am feeling both sad that it isn't that day of celebration, as my divorce was final in Sept. last year, and relieved, all at the same time. I'm learning to live "in the middle" of such extreme emotions, accepting that both are true. Grief and relief mixed together. I think I'm feeling much like one would feel walking through something like cancer with a loved one, over a long period of time, and then losing them. So deeply sad to have lost and so relieved at the same time. The suffering is over. Well, actually, the suffering is only over on a certain level. The affects never go away... the trail of pain remains. It's what is done with it that makes all the difference. I continue to pour my heart out to the One who knows everything about me, who loves me unconditionally, and never leaves me. God knows my complex emotions and thoughts and carries me through.
Just this past week, I asked myself a couple of hard questions.
1. What am I afraid of that keeps me from the feet of Jesus?
2. What do I want more than Jesus... what really keeps me from him?
Well, my list was a mile long for the first question. For the second, I only wrote down two words before I was completely stopped in my tracks. Security and control. Plain and simple. In a life of feeling very afraid and insecure and everything seems like complete chaos, those are two things that I find myself striving for. But Jesus gently reminded me of this IMMEDIATELY upon writing those two words down: My security comes in believing that HE is in control. Ahhhh.... I can firmly stand on this truth and trust that no matter how crazy everything in my life looks, feels, and is, NOTHING got by my God. He is not taken by surprise. What an incredible comfort. I'm choosing to believe in His love, protection, and provision for me as I continue to walk through deep waters. And as I look for His presence in my present moments of every day, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and joy. Yes, that peace that passes all understanding is MINE!!! I don't have to know what is coming next (although I honestly would really like to! ha!) but I trust He knows and He will walk with me through it, whatever it is, no matter how bad, not matter how crazy and scary. Thank you, Jesus!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord." Jeremiah 29: 11-14
I'm believing in my future and I'm seeking....
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6 comments:
I so needed to hear this.
I know God wanted you to post this because I needed to know I am not alone in feeling this way too.
I hope you do not mind me borrowing the questions part of your post. I know several others that may need to hear that they are not alone in feeling this way.
Love this post, Angie! xoxo
"My security comes in believing that HE is in control." This is something I struggle with CONSTANTLY. It is sooooo hard for me to just let go and trust. I was telling a friend the other day that sometimes my relationship with God is this giant game of push/pull. And HE'S not the one doing the pushing away...it's all me. I want to just run into His arms and rest, but then I push away. sigh.
Yep. I know all those feelings.
I love this post, Angie. It's so encouraging to read posts like this, that remind us how GOOD and TRUSTWORTHY God is, and how we can work through the fears that stand in our way. I hear ya on the security and control bit! But when I actually place my trust in God over things, I realize that there is no greater security than in His powerful loving care. Thanks for this post.
I have walked this...would love to email directly but can't find your email. Mine is ellepace and that is @mac.com I hate writing it out as computer scanners pick it up and spam me.
A thousand gifts is a treasured book here and I give it as gifts often. Her writing makes you aware of your journey and where your focus SHOULD be instead of where it seems to be in worry and control issues. Staying in the word and staying connected to God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit is to be like breathing. I just read your blog today and would like to share through regular email. Laurie
For a woman to enjoy relationship, she must repent of her need to control and her insistence that people fill her. Fallen Eve demands that people "come through" for her. Redeemed Eve is being met in the depths of her soul by Christ and is free to offer to others, free to desire, and willing to be disappointed. Fallen Eve has been wounded by others and withdraws in order to protect herself from further harm. Redeemed Eve knows that she has something of value to offer; that she is made for relationship. Therefore, being safe and secure in her relationship with her Lord, she can risk being vulnerable with others and offer her true self.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell.
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