One week

Well, it's been one week of sleeping in my new apartment. It is peaceful. Even with the boys here wrestling in the floor, it feels calm and peaceful.... and it's not a construction zone! Hallelujah!
God has provided so many people helping me this past week. My parents stocked my cabinets with groceries. My sweet step-dad (who is more like a real dad to me as I have no contact with the real one) came over and put in a light above my kitchen sink and a brighter bulb in the kitchen light since he knows I like a lot of light... and he lined my shelves in the kitchen too! My friend Jill helped me move things in that Chuck put on my doorstep as I couldn't move the furniture piece alone, and she helped me build a storage rack for my art supplies and then rearrange my furniture so my main living area perfectly accommodates my studio space and a living space all in one room. Jill truly rescued me that day since it was my most difficult of the week due to other emotional craziness happening. I was given a goody box of stuff, money stuffed in my pocket, phone calls from people to pray with me, a phone call from someone offering to come alongside and love on my sweet Sam, who internalizes everything.. these are just a few.

I was seriously hoping that this week, I could start regaining my life and do a little art but, Chuck has asked that I remove everything I own from the house so I will have to go back and pack and move again. I also can't afford a storage unit and have to find people to store a box or few here and there, for at least the next year. I keep wondering if I will ever have space in my life that is not surrounded by some kind of chaos... which makes me crazy! I need calm, people. I need settled. I need stability.

The boys are with Chuck this weekend for the first time. I miss them but have a bunch of things I'd like to accomplish this weekend while they are gone. But for right now, I'm going to go get dressed and go hike the mountain. I need it.

I've Moved!

Well, I moved over the weekend and boy, was it a long one! Friday morning, I woke with a horrible headache at 4:00 a.m. It took 3 hours to get rid of it and then the moving and packing and moving and packing. I was running non-stop until 11:00 that night. I was EXHAUSTED! The whole weekend was much like that. Today, I feel more like myself although still a bit tired.

I had my counseling session today and did a lot of running around. Now it's about time to make dinner for the boys. More stuff to write later.

Packing and feeling overwhelmed

Well, I didn't get my key today but will, instead, be signing my contract tomorrow morning and moving on Friday. Packing is feeling overwhelming. I think it's easier when you know you have to move everything. When you are having to do mental gymnastics to divide everything, it's so much more time consuming. And on top of packing, there's staying on top of normal stuff like meals, dishes, laundry, kid stuff, homework, Bible study, and now I have added a parenting class into the mix. The school is offering a 6 week class for free with childcare provided. So, I'll be attending the class every Tuesday night for the next 6 weeks. And let's not forget counseling appointments, church stuff, etc... all the normal stuff takes up my time and now adding in the packing... well, it's a bit much.

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, to top things off. It's hard to understand how I can feel so excited and relieved to be moving out and so incredibly heart broken and sad that this is what is my life right now. Sad at how my marriage has always been. Sad that it never was what I expected and we've never figured out how to fix it. Sad that every time I see a couple so happy together, having fun together, best friends, that I envy them as I watch them as if they are from another planet entirely because I can't remotely relate. Sad because ,well, what if that never happens for me? Sad that things between me and Chuck have always been so hard. Sad that we don't know how to be friends with each other. Sad that my family is being split apart with a shred of hope of it being saved if we can have time to heal. Sad that doing what is best, for right now, is so painful for all of us. And gosh, this is just the beginning of a long list I could make. And I could make an equally long list of reasons why I'm happy to be leaving. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. I spend my walking time each morning crying out to God for wisdom, comfort, help, direction, provision, protection... for Him in the midst. I long for the day that I get to heaven and no longer feel the pain and heartache of this world and no longer have tears streaming down my face. In the meantime, I'm learning to trust God in a new way as I walk a very, very scary path.

Approved!

I just found out that I was approved for the apartment and will be moving this week for sure! She said that I may be able to get a key as early as Wednesday! I'm busing packing, dividing up the boys stuff and making piles for yard sale, stay here, and go to new place. We just went through all of their books... that was a project for sure. We love books and they have a lot! Anyway, I am really hoping to get a key earlier as oppose to later so I can get things in while the boys are in school.

Great news!

I found an apartment!!! Yesterday morning, I went to look at an apartment just down the street close to the school. Probably about the same distance to school I have now but the opposite direction. Anyway, it's a small complex... 10 sets of duplexes so they are single level, which was what I really wanted. It's 1200 sq. ft.!!!! Almost as big as my house I'm in now! It's a two bedroom/ 1 bath with storage inside and a storage closet out. And a place for Max to ride his bike and a pool for summer. i met one man who has lived in this apartment complex for 20 years! Anyway, I knew as soon as I walked in that it was the place for me. I brought home the application and filled it out, gathered stuff they needed from me, and dropped it off this morning. So, if nothing happens, I will be moving in to apartment #19 next Friday!! While I am excited, it is hard to watch someone whom you have been married to for 23 years (next Sunday, the 22nd) and see how they are hurting over a decision that you know is the right one. I know that I know I am making the right decision. And even though I am excited, it does not make it easier.

OWOH Winners!!!!

Well, today's the day for the One World, One Heart give away drawing so... drumroll please....
The winner of the wire wrapped pendant is...
Don Madden

And the winner of the photo card set is...
Tammy

I will be contacting each of you directly to get mailing addresses so your prizes can be on their way! Thanks to all of you who participated!

Telling it as it is

Well, I have been dragging my feet posting the real deal going on in my life. I guess that fear of being judged just really overwhelms me some times but, because my life is completely consumed with the reality of my circumstances, I can't NOT talk about it here if I'm going to post anything about myself at all. Really, most of you who read my blog regularly probably know that a lot has been going on for a long, long time. Longer than I know I have shared. Lots of stuff in my marriage. My husband and I are separating and I've been trying to find a place for the kids and I to live. Well, the plan I spoke of in my last post was about the apartment I was purchasing in a co-op. A "friend" was selling it to me for a great deal, about 1/3 less monthly expenses than most other apartments for rent. Well, the day I was to sign the contract... that would be yesterday, he backed out. Things he's been committed to over the past few weeks, he changed all of it at the last minute. I feel completely betrayed and lied to. My trust has been so violated. How can a friend do this to another friend and think it is ok? Heck, I don't think it's ok to do to a stranger!

So anyway, I got to Bible study really angry as he called me just before I left home and told me the news. I thought, "how can I pay attention to God and do meditation exercises when I'm so hurt and angry?!" Yet I knew in my head that God was somehow protecting me but I was still really angry. I sat down with a tiny slip of paper in my hands that one of my co-leaders had for all of us. On this paper were only three words: "Into Thy Hands". We were to use this as a breath prayer.. just repeating these words over and over. Well, I sat there trying to do this and it was an effort to focus. But, when I finally did focus, I began visualizing myself in the open hands of the Living Almighty God. But, the minute I placed myself in these open hands, something unexpected happened in this 'vision'... the hands very gently but firmly closed around me completely. They were exactly like when I catch a baby gecko in my house and I put it in my hands cupped tightly together until I can find a safe place for him outside to let him go free. I KNEW God was protecting me. Some things, I am aware of what the protection was from... but other things unknown. My anger turned instantly to thanksgiving to God for his protection of me in this situation.

I then spent a lot of time after Bible study driving around my area writing down numbers to apartment complexes and making phone calls. I went and looked at one today but wasn't so crazy over it. It wasn't very nice and had very little windows for light. I need light... it's like air for me. I am looking at another one tomorrow at 11:00. I'm trying to find a small complex with not very many units. Something quiet with only one level so I don't have to worry about noisy neighbors overhead or climbing stairs with bags of groceries or laundry. Since God has removed me from the really amazingly cheap deal for living and I'll be paying 3 x's the money now, I believe he has something in store for me for work and I know he will continue to provide and care for me and my boys.

Still being in the house through all this has been really, really hard. It's difficult with all the decisions I have to make to focus and concentrate. I have decided that while I know the direction I want to go with work, I need to find a place for us to live and get settled first so I can free up my mind and energy to other things. I also am feeling so overwhelmed about packing things. Not to mention issues between Chuck and I as we navigate our way through this process... usually in not so pretty a way. But I feel this is crucial to our healing process.

Anyway, now it's out there. Please pray for us. Pray for wisdom and protection... and direction for me. Pray for my boys, and for Chuck. In so many ways, I'm doing really well... and other moments, I'm barely hanging on by a thread.