Well, here it is, Christmas eve. It's pretty quiet in the house right now. Chuck isn't home and my boys have been out riding their bikes until Max got a flat when a nail was found in his tire and promptly pulled out. ;( Now, they are decorating a small orange tree in Christmas attire. Desperation from two boys who don't have a tree this year. We have no decorations in the house at all. With the house full of overflow stuff from the renovation in progress, there not only is no place for a tree or anything else, I couldn't get to the decorations and stuff anyway. The storage shed is also stuffed with overflow with all the Christmas stuff buried. Anyway, now the boys have taken our portable DVD player out and have the neighbors, Mariah and Roman, out watching Frosty the Snowman with them in their "fort". I just took out hot chocolate so they are happy as clams.
Those of you who read my blog regularly, know that I've been going through some really hard things for the past several months. I've never had to work through so many hard things at one time ever in my life. I've been hit on every front... financially, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and of course, all those things wipe you out physically. By this past weekend, I could barely stay out of bed. It took great effort. And gosh, are my eyes ever tired of crying! By Monday, I was in such a downward spiral I couldn't see any hope. My counselor helped me talk through a lot of things ranging from grief to anger, hurt, frustration, disillusionment, disappointment.. you name it, I've been living it. I was finally able to really see the wrestling match I've been having with God in the midst of this too... and yes, anger at Him and a lot of mistrust... fear to trust. Then, there was a choice to make. I made a choice, by the time I got home, that I would trust God with my broken, wounded heart and trust him for redemption because I realized that He wasn't the one making my life so miserable. I admitted that the reality is, I have a boatload of stuff to deal with about ME... and I don't truly know how to love myself well or this person I married almost 23 years ago. Neither of us know how to do this well... and sometimes I wonder if we know how to do it at all! I have chosen to commit myself to God to learn how to love myself and my husband well... in a totally different way. What I have always thought was loving was, in fact, the complete opposite. This has been a very scary decision to make but without God's presence, I truly have no hope. Monday morning, I had gotten a daily devotional in my mailbox that I felt was speaking directly to me. It told me not to give up. That God is faithful and loving and can be trusted. Then, I read this blog post by Toben In his post, he has a link that I followed and found myself reading the story of this couple. While their circumstances are different from mine, their story gave me hope and courage to make a choice to believe God. He's been telling me over and over "You don't believe me. You don't trust me." and I just kept running. I have stopped fighting and stopped running and I am finally feeling peace. It doesn't mean circumstances have changed... they have not. Circumstances are still hard. But I feel like I can breath in them.
On a different note, I snuck my kids gifts over to my mom's house today and we'll be going over for breakfast in the morning so gifts will actually be underneath a tree! We usually have Christmas breakfast here at our house but, given the circumstances, we're going to mom's. I got the boys home and gave them both much needed haircuts. It's been quiet since they've been outside. Chuck went to look at some salon equipment since I'm hoping to be ready to start cutting hair again in 2 weeks or so.
I'm in real need to paint. I need to make some time, some way, some place, to paint after the holiday is over. I have a watercolor I started a while back and would like to finish. Maybe I can take the boys to the park and while they play, work on the piece. I just find that I crash and burn without some regular art time... which I've not had for about 3 months now. I'm dying people. DYING. I also need quiet alone time which I've also not have much of since construction started in my house either. And, topping it off as a person who feels how her house looks... if you saw what we've been living in, no matter how hard I try to clean and have some sense of order, it's like a bomb site... well, you'd know part of the reason I've been an emotional mess! However, these things are only part of the big, big picture.
I'm soooo enjoying Kenzy. He's quite a character. Here's a latest picture of him.
Well, gonna' get a few things done before the boys come in... like maybe making them something to eat! Merry Christmas, everyone!