Well, I didn't get my key today but will, instead, be signing my contract tomorrow morning and moving on Friday. Packing is feeling overwhelming. I think it's easier when you know you have to move everything. When you are having to do mental gymnastics to divide everything, it's so much more time consuming. And on top of packing, there's staying on top of normal stuff like meals, dishes, laundry, kid stuff, homework, Bible study, and now I have added a parenting class into the mix. The school is offering a 6 week class for free with childcare provided. So, I'll be attending the class every Tuesday night for the next 6 weeks. And let's not forget counseling appointments, church stuff, etc... all the normal stuff takes up my time and now adding in the packing... well, it's a bit much.
I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, to top things off. It's hard to understand how I can feel so excited and relieved to be moving out and so incredibly heart broken and sad that this is what is my life right now. Sad at how my marriage has always been. Sad that it never was what I expected and we've never figured out how to fix it. Sad that every time I see a couple so happy together, having fun together, best friends, that I envy them as I watch them as if they are from another planet entirely because I can't remotely relate. Sad because ,well, what if that never happens for me? Sad that things between me and Chuck have always been so hard. Sad that we don't know how to be friends with each other. Sad that my family is being split apart with a shred of hope of it being saved if we can have time to heal. Sad that doing what is best, for right now, is so painful for all of us. And gosh, this is just the beginning of a long list I could make. And I could make an equally long list of reasons why I'm happy to be leaving. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. I spend my walking time each morning crying out to God for wisdom, comfort, help, direction, provision, protection... for Him in the midst. I long for the day that I get to heaven and no longer feel the pain and heartache of this world and no longer have tears streaming down my face. In the meantime, I'm learning to trust God in a new way as I walk a very, very scary path.