Telling it as it is

Well, I have been dragging my feet posting the real deal going on in my life. I guess that fear of being judged just really overwhelms me some times but, because my life is completely consumed with the reality of my circumstances, I can't NOT talk about it here if I'm going to post anything about myself at all. Really, most of you who read my blog regularly probably know that a lot has been going on for a long, long time. Longer than I know I have shared. Lots of stuff in my marriage. My husband and I are separating and I've been trying to find a place for the kids and I to live. Well, the plan I spoke of in my last post was about the apartment I was purchasing in a co-op. A "friend" was selling it to me for a great deal, about 1/3 less monthly expenses than most other apartments for rent. Well, the day I was to sign the contract... that would be yesterday, he backed out. Things he's been committed to over the past few weeks, he changed all of it at the last minute. I feel completely betrayed and lied to. My trust has been so violated. How can a friend do this to another friend and think it is ok? Heck, I don't think it's ok to do to a stranger!

So anyway, I got to Bible study really angry as he called me just before I left home and told me the news. I thought, "how can I pay attention to God and do meditation exercises when I'm so hurt and angry?!" Yet I knew in my head that God was somehow protecting me but I was still really angry. I sat down with a tiny slip of paper in my hands that one of my co-leaders had for all of us. On this paper were only three words: "Into Thy Hands". We were to use this as a breath prayer.. just repeating these words over and over. Well, I sat there trying to do this and it was an effort to focus. But, when I finally did focus, I began visualizing myself in the open hands of the Living Almighty God. But, the minute I placed myself in these open hands, something unexpected happened in this 'vision'... the hands very gently but firmly closed around me completely. They were exactly like when I catch a baby gecko in my house and I put it in my hands cupped tightly together until I can find a safe place for him outside to let him go free. I KNEW God was protecting me. Some things, I am aware of what the protection was from... but other things unknown. My anger turned instantly to thanksgiving to God for his protection of me in this situation.

I then spent a lot of time after Bible study driving around my area writing down numbers to apartment complexes and making phone calls. I went and looked at one today but wasn't so crazy over it. It wasn't very nice and had very little windows for light. I need light... it's like air for me. I am looking at another one tomorrow at 11:00. I'm trying to find a small complex with not very many units. Something quiet with only one level so I don't have to worry about noisy neighbors overhead or climbing stairs with bags of groceries or laundry. Since God has removed me from the really amazingly cheap deal for living and I'll be paying 3 x's the money now, I believe he has something in store for me for work and I know he will continue to provide and care for me and my boys.

Still being in the house through all this has been really, really hard. It's difficult with all the decisions I have to make to focus and concentrate. I have decided that while I know the direction I want to go with work, I need to find a place for us to live and get settled first so I can free up my mind and energy to other things. I also am feeling so overwhelmed about packing things. Not to mention issues between Chuck and I as we navigate our way through this process... usually in not so pretty a way. But I feel this is crucial to our healing process.

Anyway, now it's out there. Please pray for us. Pray for wisdom and protection... and direction for me. Pray for my boys, and for Chuck. In so many ways, I'm doing really well... and other moments, I'm barely hanging on by a thread.