Saturday, February 28, 2009

One week

Well, it's been one week of sleeping in my new apartment. It is peaceful. Even with the boys here wrestling in the floor, it feels calm and peaceful.... and it's not a construction zone! Hallelujah!
God has provided so many people helping me this past week. My parents stocked my cabinets with groceries. My sweet step-dad (who is more like a real dad to me as I have no contact with the real one) came over and put in a light above my kitchen sink and a brighter bulb in the kitchen light since he knows I like a lot of light... and he lined my shelves in the kitchen too! My friend Jill helped me move things in that Chuck put on my doorstep as I couldn't move the furniture piece alone, and she helped me build a storage rack for my art supplies and then rearrange my furniture so my main living area perfectly accommodates my studio space and a living space all in one room. Jill truly rescued me that day since it was my most difficult of the week due to other emotional craziness happening. I was given a goody box of stuff, money stuffed in my pocket, phone calls from people to pray with me, a phone call from someone offering to come alongside and love on my sweet Sam, who internalizes everything.. these are just a few.

I was seriously hoping that this week, I could start regaining my life and do a little art but, Chuck has asked that I remove everything I own from the house so I will have to go back and pack and move again. I also can't afford a storage unit and have to find people to store a box or few here and there, for at least the next year. I keep wondering if I will ever have space in my life that is not surrounded by some kind of chaos... which makes me crazy! I need calm, people. I need settled. I need stability.

The boys are with Chuck this weekend for the first time. I miss them but have a bunch of things I'd like to accomplish this weekend while they are gone. But for right now, I'm going to go get dressed and go hike the mountain. I need it.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I've Moved!

Well, I moved over the weekend and boy, was it a long one! Friday morning, I woke with a horrible headache at 4:00 a.m. It took 3 hours to get rid of it and then the moving and packing and moving and packing. I was running non-stop until 11:00 that night. I was EXHAUSTED! The whole weekend was much like that. Today, I feel more like myself although still a bit tired.

I had my counseling session today and did a lot of running around. Now it's about time to make dinner for the boys. More stuff to write later.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Packing and feeling overwhelmed

Well, I didn't get my key today but will, instead, be signing my contract tomorrow morning and moving on Friday. Packing is feeling overwhelming. I think it's easier when you know you have to move everything. When you are having to do mental gymnastics to divide everything, it's so much more time consuming. And on top of packing, there's staying on top of normal stuff like meals, dishes, laundry, kid stuff, homework, Bible study, and now I have added a parenting class into the mix. The school is offering a 6 week class for free with childcare provided. So, I'll be attending the class every Tuesday night for the next 6 weeks. And let's not forget counseling appointments, church stuff, etc... all the normal stuff takes up my time and now adding in the packing... well, it's a bit much.

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, to top things off. It's hard to understand how I can feel so excited and relieved to be moving out and so incredibly heart broken and sad that this is what is my life right now. Sad at how my marriage has always been. Sad that it never was what I expected and we've never figured out how to fix it. Sad that every time I see a couple so happy together, having fun together, best friends, that I envy them as I watch them as if they are from another planet entirely because I can't remotely relate. Sad because ,well, what if that never happens for me? Sad that things between me and Chuck have always been so hard. Sad that we don't know how to be friends with each other. Sad that my family is being split apart with a shred of hope of it being saved if we can have time to heal. Sad that doing what is best, for right now, is so painful for all of us. And gosh, this is just the beginning of a long list I could make. And I could make an equally long list of reasons why I'm happy to be leaving. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. I spend my walking time each morning crying out to God for wisdom, comfort, help, direction, provision, protection... for Him in the midst. I long for the day that I get to heaven and no longer feel the pain and heartache of this world and no longer have tears streaming down my face. In the meantime, I'm learning to trust God in a new way as I walk a very, very scary path.

Monday, February 16, 2009


I just found out that I was approved for the apartment and will be moving this week for sure! She said that I may be able to get a key as early as Wednesday! I'm busing packing, dividing up the boys stuff and making piles for yard sale, stay here, and go to new place. We just went through all of their books... that was a project for sure. We love books and they have a lot! Anyway, I am really hoping to get a key earlier as oppose to later so I can get things in while the boys are in school.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Great news!

I found an apartment!!! Yesterday morning, I went to look at an apartment just down the street close to the school. Probably about the same distance to school I have now but the opposite direction. Anyway, it's a small complex... 10 sets of duplexes so they are single level, which was what I really wanted. It's 1200 sq. ft.!!!! Almost as big as my house I'm in now! It's a two bedroom/ 1 bath with storage inside and a storage closet out. And a place for Max to ride his bike and a pool for summer. i met one man who has lived in this apartment complex for 20 years! Anyway, I knew as soon as I walked in that it was the place for me. I brought home the application and filled it out, gathered stuff they needed from me, and dropped it off this morning. So, if nothing happens, I will be moving in to apartment #19 next Friday!! While I am excited, it is hard to watch someone whom you have been married to for 23 years (next Sunday, the 22nd) and see how they are hurting over a decision that you know is the right one. I know that I know I am making the right decision. And even though I am excited, it does not make it easier.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

OWOH Winners!!!!

Well, today's the day for the One World, One Heart give away drawing so... drumroll please....
The winner of the wire wrapped pendant is...
Don Madden

And the winner of the photo card set is...

I will be contacting each of you directly to get mailing addresses so your prizes can be on their way! Thanks to all of you who participated!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Telling it as it is

Well, I have been dragging my feet posting the real deal going on in my life. I guess that fear of being judged just really overwhelms me some times but, because my life is completely consumed with the reality of my circumstances, I can't NOT talk about it here if I'm going to post anything about myself at all. Really, most of you who read my blog regularly probably know that a lot has been going on for a long, long time. Longer than I know I have shared. Lots of stuff in my marriage. My husband and I are separating and I've been trying to find a place for the kids and I to live. Well, the plan I spoke of in my last post was about the apartment I was purchasing in a co-op. A "friend" was selling it to me for a great deal, about 1/3 less monthly expenses than most other apartments for rent. Well, the day I was to sign the contract... that would be yesterday, he backed out. Things he's been committed to over the past few weeks, he changed all of it at the last minute. I feel completely betrayed and lied to. My trust has been so violated. How can a friend do this to another friend and think it is ok? Heck, I don't think it's ok to do to a stranger!

So anyway, I got to Bible study really angry as he called me just before I left home and told me the news. I thought, "how can I pay attention to God and do meditation exercises when I'm so hurt and angry?!" Yet I knew in my head that God was somehow protecting me but I was still really angry. I sat down with a tiny slip of paper in my hands that one of my co-leaders had for all of us. On this paper were only three words: "Into Thy Hands". We were to use this as a breath prayer.. just repeating these words over and over. Well, I sat there trying to do this and it was an effort to focus. But, when I finally did focus, I began visualizing myself in the open hands of the Living Almighty God. But, the minute I placed myself in these open hands, something unexpected happened in this 'vision'... the hands very gently but firmly closed around me completely. They were exactly like when I catch a baby gecko in my house and I put it in my hands cupped tightly together until I can find a safe place for him outside to let him go free. I KNEW God was protecting me. Some things, I am aware of what the protection was from... but other things unknown. My anger turned instantly to thanksgiving to God for his protection of me in this situation.

I then spent a lot of time after Bible study driving around my area writing down numbers to apartment complexes and making phone calls. I went and looked at one today but wasn't so crazy over it. It wasn't very nice and had very little windows for light. I need light... it's like air for me. I am looking at another one tomorrow at 11:00. I'm trying to find a small complex with not very many units. Something quiet with only one level so I don't have to worry about noisy neighbors overhead or climbing stairs with bags of groceries or laundry. Since God has removed me from the really amazingly cheap deal for living and I'll be paying 3 x's the money now, I believe he has something in store for me for work and I know he will continue to provide and care for me and my boys.

Still being in the house through all this has been really, really hard. It's difficult with all the decisions I have to make to focus and concentrate. I have decided that while I know the direction I want to go with work, I need to find a place for us to live and get settled first so I can free up my mind and energy to other things. I also am feeling so overwhelmed about packing things. Not to mention issues between Chuck and I as we navigate our way through this process... usually in not so pretty a way. But I feel this is crucial to our healing process.

Anyway, now it's out there. Please pray for us. Pray for wisdom and protection... and direction for me. Pray for my boys, and for Chuck. In so many ways, I'm doing really well... and other moments, I'm barely hanging on by a thread.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Starting out the week

Well, it's been a day of running. I walked the boys to school (Max rode his bike) and then headed out for my walk to church to set up for tomorrow's Bible study class. AFter I got home, I ran back out the door to go by Michael's for some supplies for tomorrow's class and then straight to my counseling appt. I got home and ate lunch, made some phone calls, and then grabbed my bike and rode to school to pick up Max and race him home. Now, both kids are home and I need to do some cleaning. It's been overcast and sprinkling on and off all day today. Crawl-in-bed-and-read kind of weather. I just made hot chocolate for the boys.

I've felt discouraged today because some plans I've been making for the past few weeks are on the verge of falling apart today. I'm holding my breath....should know something by tomorrow afternoon....

Saturday, February 7, 2009

New Items for sale in Etsy

I just finished listing a few pieces of artwork for sale in my Etsy store. Sometimes it takes me a while to detach enough to part with pieces... that, and the need for income! I listed 3 pieces today, one being my fiber art piece that was published in the Aug./Sept. issue of Quilting Arts Magazine. It also traveled to Long Beach and Houston with the "Go Green" exhibit. It's a little hard to part with it but I'm trying to suck it up. Anyway, take a look if you are so inclined! I'm also considering selling my latest lion painting but have to figure out how to ship it since it's a larger canvas... 16x20. I'll call my framer on Monday and get suggestions from him.

It's been a busy day and I'm tired.... and hungry. Need to go make dinner...

Friday, February 6, 2009

washing dishes with Kenzy

Some times I wonder if he's a cat or a parrot. Maybe he's confused. This is his favorite place... on my shoulder. I need a papoose or something! He was pretty fascinated watching me wash dishes! Look how big he's gotten! I weighed him this week and he's at 7 lbs. now and is 5 1/2 months old. I LOVE this furry guy so much!

This is hilarious! A must see...

Another day of running

I walked this morning and then went to read in the boys classrooms as I always do on Fridays. Then I ran out the door to run some errands before my counseling session. On the way home, I did some comparison shopping for twin mattresses and then it was time to start picking kids up from school. I'm busy cleaning the kitchen now while the boys play outside. I can't do laundry because drywall work is being done in the laundry room so the appliances got moved out. Arghhh... This remodel stuff got old months ago. I also updated my other blog with photos from the past two days. I'm finding it hard to decide what I'm going to photograph each day. Like I keep wanting to find the perfect thing... but if I do that, I never take pictures of just the ordinary things in my life.

Anyway, not much else going on. Running around all day makes me sleepy though. I could use a nap!

Thursday, February 5, 2009


I had the most wonderful conversation with a home school mom today about my idea to teach art classes to the kids. She LOVED the idea and is running it past her home school group. There are 8 kids from K-3 with 2 more possibly joining their group. She was doing some brainstorming with me and suggested the possibility of doing the art around the context of their Bible classes, similar to the class I teach on Tuesday mornings to women but for kids! I am crazy about that idea! Another suggestion is to use literature for a theme. I was very encouraged by our conversation and feel I'm on the right track for a really cool little business for myself doing what I love! Anyway, I just had to share!!!!!

I also got an appt. set up with Voc Rehab for an orientation to see if they may have some resources to help me find work.. even if it is just part time.. in an environment I can hear well in! ;)

Busy days

I can't believe it's been since Sunday since I wrote here! I try to keep up with writing but my life has been super busy. I am going through a lot of changes in my life and making some huge decisions so I'm not on the computer as much other than researching stuff.

I have come up with an idea for work that I think is a wonderful fit for me but will require some leg work. I want to put together art classes for home schooled kids. I have spent hours on the phone networking and gathering information. I'm also going to be creating some class proposals to teach here locally at The Creative Quest. In the meantime, I will possibly look at a part-time job while I get off my feet doing what I love to do.

Saturday, I am planning to go with a friend to the local college where there will be people assisting in filling out financial aid paperwork. I'd love to get an art degree and since this is available and free, I'm going. Who knows what will become of it but I'm going to look into it. I have heard that occasionally there are situations where a persons school is paid for along with some living expenses covered so, I'll see where this leads. It may not be the time for it but I want to see what the process is like. Since I'm usually a chicken about such things, I'll have someone with me who has been through the process before so I will be learning.

Well, that's not much of an update but it's all I've got for right now. Got some stuff I need to get done right now.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

catch up from the weekend

I had such a relaxing time at my mom's this weekend. It went by really fast. I got to catch up on some sleep too. I went to bed early every night and slept like the dead, for the most part. I got up early Saturday morning and did a 4 mile walk with my step-dad by star light. The sun just started coming up when we got back to the house. Then, spontaneously, mom and I went to Ikea while Fred took the boys bike riding at the park. What fun that place is! I was overwhelmed though. It didn't take long of my being there before I just got a glazed look in my eyes and knew I wasn't really seeing anything anymore. But, I got lots of ideas while I was still able to focus on all the cool stuff and amazing deals!

We got home and ate lunch. Then I cut mom's hair and played a game of Scrabble with Fred. I'm not telling who won... ;)

Max was like a monkey in the back yard climbing my mom's birdhouse on a pole. Look at this stinker... with his orange vampire teeth...

Fred made some awesome hamburgers for dinner that night. He's such a good cook! I'll put in an order for cornbread next time. I've never tasted better than his.

We got up and got ready for church this morning and then I loaded the car and headed back to our house to drop off the boys bikes before going to church. I came home afterward and did some kitchen clean up and have a load of laundry going. Then caught up on e-mail from the weekend.

I did a self-portrait shot and am shocked when I see more wrinkles and loose skin after losing weight. So, there is a down side. Boohoo... I look older now. Bleh....
Now it's time to get kids in bed. Tomorrow, we have a funeral to attend of a friend of ours who passed away this past week of a brain tumor. He was just diagnosed a couple of months ago. It will be a sad day.